Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
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Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.nWhat in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Coca-cola should make a Coca-cola flavored candy cane and call it a Coke Cane.
I laugh like a dumbass every time I hear the term ‘manhole’.
Maturity will not be reached.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
*At a party*
STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?
ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”