Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
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[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
This checks out
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring