@FredPollack

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

You Might Also Like

@TheAlexNevil

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

@MatCro

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

@SteelCityDawn

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.nWhat in the hell do they put in butterflys?

@brandonleecool

Coca-cola should make a Coca-cola flavored candy cane and call it a Coke Cane.

@mustachewine

I laugh like a dumbass every time I hear the term ‘manhole’.

Maturity will not be reached.

@bourgeoisalien

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

@thenatewolf

*At a party*

STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?

ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.

@molly7anne

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

@mom_ontherocks

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

@MarcusCVance

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”