* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
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she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
*puts my mental health in rice
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Yeah. This was me today.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
at ease…shoulder.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”