[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
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If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers