[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
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My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Everything I know about picking up women, I learned from Pepé Le Pew.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Walls are just sober floors.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
robert downey jr is literally a trained dancer and yet this is the only move he does