[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
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How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart