Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
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Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary