@JohnHilsen

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

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@TweetPotato314

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

@blahfamous

Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”

@NewDadNotes

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

@SamuelMoen

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

@ItsDanSheehan

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

@funnybeachgirl

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.