@MooseAllain

Flock of bats

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@mommajessiec

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

@GinAndJif

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

@CloydRivers

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

@mrjohndarby

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

@_davidlucas_

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

@murrman5

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

@funnyordie

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

@Thynebear

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

@simoncholland

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools