Flock of bats
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Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
very niche meme I made
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.