@MooseAllain

Flock of bats

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@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

@sixthformpoet

If another day goes by without a Matthew, Mark, Luke and John forming a boyband called New Testament, I’m going to give up on everything.

@detroit_et

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

@OctopusCavemann

Kid: I had a nightmare. There were these flowers but then they turned into clowns and they swung around this elephant and then demon faces came out and the whole time there was this awful music playing.

Cirque Du Soleil Producer: *taking notes* go on.

@sumpeoplelikeit

I wish people were more like dogs and you could just give them those three little pats and they’d know our interaction was over.

@delusionaliam

“Hey! check out my new ink” *removes shirt, stands naked*

“Dude!, I don’t see anything”

“It’s invisible ink”

@LostFelicia

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

@Social_Mime

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

@SortaBad

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them