My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
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I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
The worst part about winter is how the ground is hard and crunchy and it makes me constantly crave nachos.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Pick something up. You just applied more force on that object than the gravity of an entire planet. Earth, do you even lift?
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.