@Darlainky

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

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@shutupmikeginn

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

@Marlebean

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

@JoeRegular4

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

@BoomBoomBetty

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

@squirrel74wkgn

WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

@iAmDelFreaky

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

@ConcernedSirGuy

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

@ericsshadow

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

@dogheadcoffee

You got acute appendicitis ..

No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*