Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
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Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi