[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
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‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*