[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
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The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
why am I working on Labor Day
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
The French word for sex is croissant.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.