Florida be like…
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watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Catercrombie & Fish
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…