@ryaninco

Florida is great, if you make a wrong turn you’re at the beach.

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@dmc1138

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

@SardonicTart

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

@kibblesmith

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

@therealeatwood

CASHIER: Your total is $18.54

ME: A fine year!

CASHIER (WHO IS BLACK): Was it

@weirdralph

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

@DanielRCarrillo

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

@CulturedRuffian

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

@TheToddWilliams

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

@NikiWithIssues

If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.