Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Florida is great, if you make a wrong turn you’re at the beach.
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“Wow I feel pretty good”
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
CASHIER: Your total is $18.54
ME: A fine year!
CASHIER (WHO IS BLACK): Was it
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
“Mary had a little lamb. had.” -wolf
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”
There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.