Florida is great, if you make a wrong turn you’re at the beach.

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Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.


*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”


Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you


CASHIER: Your total is $18.54

ME: A fine year!



My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.


Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.


I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.


[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”


If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.