Florida is great, if you make a wrong turn you’re at the beach.

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All these knights going on a quest for the Holy Grail was a waste. They should’ve just asked their moms. Moms can find anything.


[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya


fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it


Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!


Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren


The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.


I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”


Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-