Florida man
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science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.