Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
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[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I know karate and tons of other words.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.