Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
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Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I don’t think my car can fly
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.