me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
You Might Also Like
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Google Pay be like:
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.