[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
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[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Broom by every window for quick escape.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
We’ve come full circle
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.