“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
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I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
j o i m p
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.