“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
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Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Lmfao
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
A decision was made here.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.