Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
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Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
every single time
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.