*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
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The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you