Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
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*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.