Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
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*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?