@Darlainky

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

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@RexChapman

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

@mommajessiec

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

@ArfMeasures

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

@LoveNLunchmeat

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

@longwall26

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

@lawyerthoughts

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

@FormerGrunt

My ex was an absolute treasure.

By treasure, I mean you will need a map and a shovel to find her.

@SaraESpivey

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

@HepatitisAtoZ

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”