[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

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Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀


*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*


T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first


Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.


Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End


Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.


My ex was an absolute treasure.

By treasure, I mean you will need a map and a shovel to find her.


Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.


[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”