What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
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I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
let’s discuss
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.