@SomeChrisTweets: Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
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@joejwest: DAD: Sorry it's not a pony, honey. Best I could do LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
@SJSchauer: My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics "woah. any day now, Bernice" and I'm literally crying laughing
@ledbettercarly: How my mom and I watch Hallmark movies: "Look at his/her stupid face" "This plot is so dumb" "This snow is so fake" End of the movie: both sobbing
@dafloydsta: ME: I'm dead inside. THERAPIST: How does that make you feel? ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?