Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
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Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”