CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
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Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.