Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
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Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.
So apparently when a woman asks what you’re looking for in a relationship, “a way out” isn’t the right answer.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I trust a woman ab as far as I can throw her. Very far. As far as she wants. I’ll do anything plz come back to me *cries into pillow*
God: you’re a cat.
God: you really love the humans.
Cat: yeah I do!
God: but you don’t express your feelings very well.
Cat: oh no! what should I do?
God: try giving them gifts.
Human: is-is that a dead bird?
Cat: [happy whisper] I love you so much!
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”