[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
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My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Oh the world we live in…
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.