@Cravin4

Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

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@misfarber

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

@vanderwangwe

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

@tonygootana

16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.

@Crunk_Jews

So apparently when a woman asks what you’re looking for in a relationship, “a way out” isn’t the right answer.

@Parker_Simpson

I trust a woman ab as far as I can throw her. Very far. As far as she wants. I’ll do anything plz come back to me *cries into pillow*

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a cat.

Cat: yay!

God: you really love the humans.

Cat: yeah I do!

God: but you don’t express your feelings very well.

Cat: oh no! what should I do?

God: try giving them gifts.

[later]

Human: is-is that a dead bird?

Cat: [happy whisper] I love you so much!

@JillianKarger

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

@robdelaney

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

@nice_mustard

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”