Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
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Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.