@AdderallMomma

Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

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@3sunzzz

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

@LindaInDisguise

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

@SCBamaMan

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

@Darlainky

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

@TheCiscoKidder

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

@skedaddle74

Goes to a psychic

Her: your aura is yellow a very nice softness to you, you are a very warm and loving person but when people make you angry you…

Me: PEE ON THEM!

@AliciaHawkes

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

@FeelingEuphoric

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

@blaha_Who

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

@h0tmessmama

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.