Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

You Might Also Like


[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?


I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.


The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.


That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.


Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”


Goes to a psychic

Her: your aura is yellow a very nice softness to you, you are a very warm and loving person but when people make you angry you…



A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.


“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”


No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.


I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.