daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
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[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.