@KenJennings

Folks I’m seeing Trainwreck tomorrow night. Then after the GOP debate, I might go to the new Amy Schumer movie! Yeah, I went there

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@causticbob

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

*i catch my popular son trying to sneak out of the house in a letterman jacket again* oh no you don’t, mister. this is a goth family

@causticbob

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

@YoungNobler

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

@FU_TangClan

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

@lovemydogduck

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.