Folks I’m seeing Trainwreck tomorrow night. Then after the GOP debate, I might go to the new Amy Schumer movie! Yeah, I went there

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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.


*i catch my popular son trying to sneak out of the house in a letterman jacket again* oh no you don’t, mister. this is a goth family


Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.


Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line


Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list


I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.