@AimeeHelene1

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

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@donni

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

@hazelmotes1

Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.

@pakalupapito

i need a reasonably paying job. something like $6,000 an hour, nothing too wild.

@nbadag

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

@_davidlucas_

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

@TheBeerGuy73

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

@billnihilism

listen…valentines day is a scam invented by scorpios so people would have sex and make more scorpios

@doublewenis

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”