People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
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It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
i need a reasonably paying job. something like $6,000 an hour, nothing too wild.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
listen…valentines day is a scam invented by scorpios so people would have sex and make more scorpios
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”