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Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
There is no “we” in pizza
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Cheers Twitter.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.