Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
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{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Finally a use for spoilers…
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is