Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
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and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Boom, boom, ching!
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
This is a whole mood;
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
turning my gender off to conserve energy