Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
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*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….