Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
You Might Also Like
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.