[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
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[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
boat question
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Breaking news:
“The Perfect Relationship”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again