@KevinFarzad

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

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@ryanyeetz

look for the boy with the broken vape, ask him if he’ll be your escape, and he willllll be loooved

@weinerdog4life

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

@krisv_723

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

@maxui

Please allow kids to believe in Santa.
You believe in Herballife and no one is ruining it for you.

@Ygrene

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

@bridger_w

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

@LoveNLunchmeat

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

@Squeeb_Slayer

Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper “I’d never do that to you”

@AnkCoupleTO

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

@TheAlexNevil

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy