Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

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look for the boy with the broken vape, ask him if he’ll be your escape, and he willllll be loooved


me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good


Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.


Please allow kids to believe in Santa.
You believe in Herballife and no one is ruining it for you.


Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)


If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek


“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.


Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper “I’d never do that to you”


I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy


Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy