Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
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No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Venn
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.