Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
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[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…