Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
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The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere