No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
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I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon