@ummcherish

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

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@psybermonkey

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

@itshotterhere

Never trust someone who says you’re more important than cheese. It’s an obvious lie.

@NewDadNotes

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

@LoneWolfStories

Her: Let’s go shopping.
Me: In your dreams.
Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi.
Me: Why are we still here?

@lunasgarden_

I have decided I will never get down to my original weight. Besides 7.5 pounds is unrealistic anyway.

@kunalkamra88

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

@furrrizzle

Dear diary,

My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him.

Apparently Meth wasn’t what he expected.

Dating is bull shit

@behindyourback

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

@OneFunnyMummy

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.