FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
You Might Also Like
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I think I’ll stand
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat