Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
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so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
nice challenge
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.