*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
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People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed