*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
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i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.