@impaulmccoy

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

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@psybermonkey

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

@WarrenHolstein

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

@AvgSociaIMedia

Instagram: A girl with her boyfriend of 2 weeks with the caption: “Yeah we’ve had our ups and downs but what couple hasn’t?”

@justabloodygame

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

@delasoulless

Faster! Faster! Faster! Don’t stop! Almost there!Yes! YESSSS! -me trying to get everyone through the traffic light.

@Brampersandon_

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

@xJLynn

If a dentist makes his money off unheathly teeth,why should I trust a toothbrush 4 out of 5 dentist approve?

@sera9elliot

now that we’ve banned plastic straws, i guess i’ll just have to drink my frappucino through this assault rifle

@LlamaInaTux

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*