[God creating bees]
ANGEL: We already have wasps
GOD: Take away their anger
GOD: And make them chonky
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bumble boys
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
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I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
My friend just said “I hope you’re staying out of trouble,” and we laughed and laughed.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
oh you’re a feminist? name every woman
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume