“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
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I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Yup.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
good work, everybody
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON