“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

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[God creating bees]

ANGEL: We already have wasps

GOD: Take away their anger

ANGEL: okay

GOD: And make them chonky

ANGEL: what

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bumble boys


I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING


My friend just said “I hope you’re staying out of trouble,” and we laughed and laughed.


Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”


“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash


Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?


JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please


WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume