@vineyille

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

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@roxiqt

[God creating bees]

ANGEL: We already have wasps

GOD: Take away their anger

ANGEL: okay

GOD: And make them chonky

ANGEL: what

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bumble boys

@YourMomsucksTho

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

@broken_rhi

My friend just said “I hope you’re staying out of trouble,” and we laughed and laughed.

@davetureq

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

@PetrickSara

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

@Darlainky

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

@sofarrsogud

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

@ItsAndyRyan

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume