Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@RorynotRoy

You’d think Goldilocks would have been all like, “Damn, it smells like bears in here. Is that a family portrait of bears?! I should leave.”

@catstronomical

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

@WhtUReallyMean

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

@steventurous

The year 2072:

“What did you study in college?”

“I majored in October 1–8, 2020.”

“That seems really broad. Did you focus on anything within that?”

@mattZillaaaa

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

@Kauaibride

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

@KenJennings

Oh I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood. This is a Ferrets wheel. When your compartment is 90 feet in the air, we release the ferrets.

@technowarlock1

I’m having a little bit of trouble right now.

@samalmightysam

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.