Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

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You’d think Goldilocks would have been all like, “Damn, it smells like bears in here. Is that a family portrait of bears?! I should leave.”


ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.


ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.


I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.


The year 2072:

“What did you study in college?”

“I majored in October 1–8, 2020.”

“That seems really broad. Did you focus on anything within that?”


Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship


i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.


Oh I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood. This is a Ferrets wheel. When your compartment is 90 feet in the air, we release the ferrets.


Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.