@ImSoFrancis

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

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@mommy_cusses

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

@difficultpatty

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

@AbbyHasIssues

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

@ObscureGent

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

@LizHackett

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

@AtticusFinch79

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

@WilliamRodgers

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!