@mommy_cusses
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
@ImSoFrancis
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
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@mommy_cusses
@difficultpatty
Me: I canβt find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
@AbbyHasIssues
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
@ObscureGent
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
@LizHackett
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
@dafloydsta
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
@TheAlexNevil
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
@AtticusFinch79
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
@WilliamRodgers
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
@Sean_Burgundy_
*Rides off into sunset
*Forgets phone charger
*Rides back