When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
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Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
*Rides off into sunset
*Forgets phone charger