you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
Baked & sliced?
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People that pronounce vase like “voz” make me want to punch them in the foz.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Money doesn’t buy happiness? Well it buys a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? It’s impossible to be sad on a jet ski.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Mark my words, the amount of candles I’m gonna burn tonight is going to make ISIS think long and hard before doing any more terrorism.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?